When I first pulled this page up to write a post, it was going to be about something totally different- and the next post probably will be my original idea. But seeing my last post pop up, I can't just let that hang unfinished. I need to update all of you beautiful people that stop by once in a great while to read this pitifully updated blog about what has happened in the past month. My world turned upside down and I've cracked and I don't know how long I can keep from shattering. Everything I knew, or thought I knew, has changed and it hurts more than anything I have gone through in my entire life. We're talking physical pain- did you know emotions can cause physical pain? Because I didn't until now.
My baby, the love of my life, the one that kept me from self harming and being suicidal and the one who kept me going through all of the shit the last three years have given me...he's gone. I haven't seen him in a week and it's killing me because I still drive by his house and I feel another crack in my heart slowly working its way towards the center. Once those cracks reach the center, one of two things will happen. Either I will shatter like the cymbal my friend broke this year in band, or I will have found a way to heal the cracks as they happen and by some miracle I'll manage to keep it together for another day.
After two and a half years of being more in love than I ever thought possible, two and a half years of putting up with allowing myself to be controlled, after two and a half years of whispered promises and healing words, it's over. He told me to my face that he didn't love me any more and wasn't sure he ever had- but he still wanted to be friends.
Right away, I called BS on that.
And, as usual, I was right. No, he's got a sexuality crisis happening, which I totally understand. But to lie to me, the person who had a terrible time coming out to the world and the one person who knows what it's like for him....this was unacceptable. If you had just told me this in the beginning, babe, if you had just asked me to understand and be patient with you and give you space, I would have understood. I would have given you a hug and walked away proud that you trusted me enough to tell me what you were going through.
But you fucking lied. To me. The person that has put up with your BS, has put up with being controlled to the point that I don't know who I am anymore without you because I love you so incredibly much that I was willing to wait until you matured a little bit, you lied?! I'm sorry. Now I'm saying we're over. Don't try to call me, don't try to talk to me anymore. I gave you so many second chances, so many chances to apologize for lying to me, and you had the nerve to say you weren't sorry for that.
Ok. Bye.
Truth is, I miss him. I spent the last two and a half years building my life around a relationship that I believed, with all I was, was going somewhere. I hurt a lot. I'm afraid by myself. I don't know how to be alone.
To make it worse, school is ending. So I can't enjoy a wallow of self-pity every day. But it's good for me, right? To learn to be strong again, by myself?

I am fixing this feeling. And I'm fixing it by road tripping to MI to see my childhood home and friends, and also by moving to Miami for a year and a half. I need to get out of Greensboro for awhile- I have nothing keeping me here now.
Yay adventures!