This thing we've been fighting for
Is it really there?
Cause it seems like
A desert Mirage
Always just out of our grasp

And this thing we've been running from
Can we make it disappear?
Cause you know what
Its hard to run
When your heart is stuck in the past


Oh woah woah!
I wanna break free!
I wanna be the one they say is tough as nails
Hard to get but easy to keep
I wanna just let go
And be myself.


This thing we've been dreaming of
Can it ever happen?
Cause dreams can be like rainbows
Always there
But still evasively breathless.......


When it feels like
You've reached the end
You've tried to hold the rainbow
In your hand
When that damn mirage
Keeps you running hard
How do you know
When is enough?
How do you know
When to stop?


Oh woah woah!!
Break free...
Tough as nails...
Living wild...
Dreaming dreams...

I grew up hearing the words, "Oh grave where is they victory, oh death where is thy sting?" every time someone died. I hated those words with a passion, and I still do.  Death is the final word for us, the gavel on the judge's bench. There's no going back to change anything. There's no last words. You can't have a do-over. Your sentence has been given.  It's the sentence we all get- to rot in a moldy wood box in a moldy grave under a stone that will slowly wear down from the rain and weather. In another 150 years, no one's going to be able to read the engraving.  Death is an enemy, a dark angel that comes for all of us, sooner or later. But why take what we love most? Why take what sometimes anchors us in life- why take the reason we are alive?  Why do we not get any last words? Why do we not get to say 'I love you' one more time, why do we not get to ask our last questions, get the answers we need to know?  Death's victory is the stark fact that it takes what we love and destroys it forever.  Grave's sting is the terrible realization that they will never be coming out of that dank hole in the ground.  Death is a cruel cruel enemy. And no matter how much we try To sugar coat it, it will always be terrible.

The end of the 2011-2012 school year is coming to a close for the Northern Guilford Nighthawks, and many of the hawks are feeling sad. We will never get to repeat our year of high school- just like many other things, you never know what you have until it's gone. The seniors are feeling sad because they will never be Nighthawks again. The fledglings are leaving the nest and becoming so much more. Freshmen and Sophs are learning very quickly to make these years count, because life as a highschooler never lasts long enough. As we handed in our music yesterday in 5th period, I started to feel a little panicked. Just like everything else in this school, those pieces of music have become a part of me. Except my music has become the core of my existence in this high school. My hands were sweaty as I clenched the papers in both hands. Every time I slowly placed a piece on the stand, I felt like a part of my heart was being put up there as well. I guess you could say I am addicted to music. Every piece held a little bit of a memory. Every piece had frustration, anger, excitement, and pure joy at playing it wrapped up in it. I could pin point places where I thought I would never be good enough, and yet other places where I knew I would never be better. Every notation on each sheet of music has a story behind it. Triumph, defeat, embarrassment. It's all there.

I've been afraid to write another post for sometime, as I'm sure you can tell. I didn't want to lose the magic of my last post, or the little bit of a memory of freedom that it left me with. I was afraid to let go, as usual. But I'm coming back to my safe place now. The place I go when my emotions are running high and I need to spill my guts. So are you ready for the big news? The fireworks and such? Well I don't really care if you are or not because I'm gonna spill it anyways. I just spent the whole evening with my dad. My real dad. And his wife. And my stepsister and stepbrother and half sister. I love them all already. It was so good to finally meet them. So there is my big news. And since it's late and I have a parade to march in tomorrow I need to get to sleep.

The sun shines down on the Savannah River, making the surface look like millions of diamonds. I lean over the side of the boat and see the rays reflected in the depths. Ron is at the wheel, his girlfriend beside him. Des, Mart, and Sharita are by the prow, and Gloria, Jewel, Jean, Gwen, and I are sitting at the back holding on to the rope from the tube.
We head down the river to the rope swing and have fun down there for awhile. Squealing girls until they hit the water, and the only guy giving a masculine yell as he drops.
We all take turns tubing, and spend the day swimming and relaxing in the sun.
On the way home, I stand close to the prow, leaning against the passengers side windshield and letting the wind rip at my hair.
There are moments for everyone when they could swear on anything that there is nothing more beautiful than the thing they are seeing at the moment. I have many of those, and today was just another.
This is the moment when I could swear that the wind is trying to pull me back into the water. The sun shines back onto the water, masking the deathly chill that pervades the water. A few pelicans fly over the boat, the hoarse cries barely audible over the roar of wind and motor in my ears.
The wind is ripping at my hair, seemingly wanting to tear it out by the roots. These are the times I love, the times I live for.
I love this life here- the days where you work so hard that you crave sleep, its all you can think about. Then the days like this, where the only thing you do is relax all day.
I love the smell of the barn as I'm cleaning out stalls. Feeling the pure power beneath me as I drive the roaring 4 wheeler down a lonely dirt road, hauling a bucket, a rope, and a faithful dog. I love the perpetual green of the trees, the rush of wind in my ears. I love listening to the mooing cows and whinnying horses as I'm working- who needs music when you have natural music at your fingertips? I love the yapping challenge of my little puppy to the amused older Cyclone, affectionately nicknamed Psycho and Cy. I love the cry of newborn kittens, the smell of fresh air.
The early morning sun shining down on the back of a horse. The dew on my boots. The rhythm of my boots compared to the rhythm of a horse's hooves.
The feel of horse breath on my face. The feel of the horse whuffling over my hand as I feed him a rare apple. The rattling of a cowhide on the floor, the tap of a boot in a stirrup, the tug of the reins in my hands...the feeling of utter freedom I have here.
I've finally started to gain back the weight I unwillingly lost. My calf muscles are once again filling out. My core is getting stronger again, my hands and arms remembering how to do the work my brain has known how to do my whole life. My arms are sunburnt, as any farmgirl's should be, and my eyes brighter than they usually are. Color is starting to come back into my cheeks, and my breath comes easier. Humor comes more easily, fun is more enjoyable. Laughing is no longer forced.
I am free.
My hair is finally lying soft against my shoulders, a sign of new beginnings not only for my hair, but for me.
This- this is the life I love. These are the moments I live for. And now, with my face towards the wind, standing on the prow of the boat, I can smell the tantalizing scent of salt in the air, reminding of the ocean I haven't seen- but long to- in 3 years.
Reminding me that these moments, these times, are what I live for. They are worth every other thing in the world...I would trade everything I had if only I could bring my bf down to live with me here. My home...where I belong. Forever.
This is who I am.

My second family's house, where time stands still. Where nothing is fast paced, except for the horse you are riding. Where if time seems to go again, something terrible has happened. Its my second day here, and already I've had both happen.
Me and Jewel rode into the preserve today. It was so quiet and peaceful. The trees are all green, the sun reflecting the light very brightly. The tall weeds were blowing in the breeze, and the only sounds to be heard are the Kuh-thump kuh-thump of the horse's hooves, the sound of cruching leaves, and the whuffling breath from the horses. The sun is shining warmly on my arms, making me feel free to take off my jacket.
Blaze takes off and I catch the rhythm of his gallop. He's not supposed to be galloping home, but I let him go for a little while. Just before he decides to run away with me, I catch his rein and haul him around so that I don't loose control of him. We slowly walk home. I'm trying to teach him that he can't run home with anyone. At this point, Copper is more safe than Blaze.
But last night, time stood still. I guess this part will be a memorial to a very sweet dog.
Rosko was a very lovable dog.
He died yesterday. He was hit by a car and didn't come home. Me and Jewel were on the way home from church when I thought I saw him on the side of the road. We turned around, and it was him. I have never heard anyone cry "No!" like Jewel did. Desperate, heart-wrenching. I stood there for a few minutes, and then she asked me to pull him off the road. She couldn't touch him, and I couldn't lift him onto the truck by myself we decided to go home and have Ron and Nicole pick him up.
So I walked over to Rosko, took a deep breath, and grabbed his legs. I slowly, and as gently as I could, pulled him to the side of the road.
The thing was...he had been dead for awhile. As I pulled him, his legs popped out of joint. Something hit me then, and I was thinking clearer than I had been before. I knew what to do and how to do it. Jewel drove home and I tried calling Ron. Once we got home and everything was over, I totally fell apart. My boyfriend says it was shock.
I called him, shaking uncontrollably and sobbing hysterically, not making sense. He told me kindly but firmly to go sit and put my feet up and wrap something around me. Finally after a few minutes, I was able to make sense and we talked about it for awhile.

Rosko, we miss you. You were so sweet and such fun to have around. You were always ready to play, but always ready to cuddle. We miss you. RIP

First of all, I'd like to offer a much needed apology to all of you dear readers who I have kept waiting. My computer's hard drive broke, and I haven't had internet for a few weeks. As a tech-y teen, You can imagine how hard it was for me :P I had the bus post ready for you and was about to blog it when my 'puter died, so I'll go ahead and post it now.

It's 7:22 AM and I'm standing out here at my bus stop, yawning and feeling like the world should stop spinning in front of my eyes.
Oh, wait, I'm the one that's swaying.
I can see the bus turning out of the Elementary school where my boyfriend went when he was a kid, and its stopping at my driveway now. I get on and nearly choke on the axe body spray that my bus driver likes to use. "Good morning, Mr Jimmy," I say sleepily. He nods in response and I stagger to the second seat.
Every kid claims their seat on the bus, and woe be unto the person who takes it. This has been my seat since the second week of school.
Apparently I fall asleep for the next 3 stops, because the next thing I know, its 4 stops later and my boyfriend is rubbing my neck and quietly singing to me to get me to wake up. He knows, just like all of my friends do, that the only way to get me awake cheerful is to either sing or turn on music. I will smash my alarm clock, I will wake up yelling and cussing people out, but sing or turn on music and I'll be happy all day long.
A few stops later, and my friend Sayward gets on the bus. She's model-thin, with a flair for the 'emo kid' look. I love it. She is a talker, just like I used to be (and yes, I have slacked off quite a bit), and believe me, we fight for a word in edgewise.
The halfway point of my bus ride is probably my favorite. We stop for about 45 seconds by this field with a lake right in the middle of it. The sun is just peeking over the trees, and you can see the steam rising off the water. (Here Sayward usually starts singing "Smoke on the water) The sun is reflected of of the water and the mist, and its so gorgeous. There are also horses in this firled, and I love watching them. But then, I've always loved watching horses. They make me feel freer.
From here on out, the bus ride is pretty boring. We just want to get the day over with and go back home.
The blue leather seats are starting to stick to us, and they are very uncomfortable after an hour long bus ride. The bus is also dark inside, and while we can talk to each other, we can't see each other very well.
And of course, we are all tired.
Sometimes my boyfriend, who is an extreme nerd, will start random trains of thought out loud, and I just sit there, dumbfounded, and how he thinks. I'm a jock-tempered girl, so I have no idea what he's talking about. And yes, before you ask, he does do some of my homework, but I don't beat him up. I just slide it in front of him, give him my dumb smile/blank look/pleading grin and he can't refuse. And he explains it to me as he goes.
Although, I'm so busy dreaming about his voice and watching his face that I never remember half of it.
Ok, that was a rabbit trail :P
Once we get to the school, we all pile off - making a bottle neck at the bus door in the process- and walk inside to the media center...which is a post for another day.