So this was my epiphany over the summer, thanks to my wonderful therapist and just my time away from school:
I was miserable last year. I was bullied, depressed, angry, and learning to deal with a new me. Over the summer, I decided to live it up. Be happy.
And I was.
Every day, I slept in late, and stayed up and out of the house until at least 3 AM, sometimes later- a few times I didn't get home til my dad was up getting ready for work and I'd walk in the door. I was tired, but I was so happy.
I was spending most of my weeks with my boyfriend, his sister, her boyfriend (who is also my best friend), her best friend (who is now my best friend as well), and their dad. We stayed up late playing Dungeons and Dragons, Pinochle, Poker, Wizard, video games, going to Geeksboro, chillin' in my backyard, attempting urban exploring at night, all sorts of things. Often it was 2 AM and the night was still young.
During all this, we all got closer. This was our group.
And for the first time in a very, very, long time, I was somewhere where I felt accepted for who I was, disorders, weird quirks, and all, and I felt like I belonged.
And that is the best feeling ever.
This led me to realize that I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to feel loved. My past has nothing to with my present, and I am free to really be me. No more religion clouding my views. No more abuse. No more worrying about what will make others happy.
Instead, I started thinking about what would make me happy. When I get old, what am I going to say about my life? That I was sad, but I made others happy? Or that I didn't worry about what made others happy, and I made myself happy, and didn't worry about what people would think of my tattoo 40 years down the road when it starts to fade?
My view now is that as long as I am happy now, I will be happy later because I will have some amazing memories to share. Not being stupid to make myself happy, but actually having fun with people I love who love me.
So when band camp came around, I was ready to take on my senior year. I started coming out of my shell and making myself known and it has already worked miracles for me. I have more friends than I did last year.
I stood up for myself to the guy that has bullied me since freshman year and we are almost friendly to each other.
I am Uniform Manager for my band and it's awesome being able to make Kimbrough's job easier, plus making going to the games easier to get ready for. And I'm still ready to take on senior year.
I'm a big girl now. It's time to pull on my steel toed shoes and step out into the real world, no matter how scary and terrifying it is. And I'm thankful to my mom and step dad for forcing me to see the raw stuff, and not sheltering me from everything that's out there.
Cause now I feel like I'm actually ready.
I don't have everything figured out- far from it. I feel like I can't see any type of future for myself anywhere, and that scares me. But as long as I am happy, and as long as I keep trying, there will be something out there for me.
