Letter to Myself

I've been thinking a lot lately on how much I missed out on in life. For many reasons. A lot of them were my fault. Some of them weren't. Some of them I couldn't have helped, but some of them I wish I would have changed. So I decided to write a letter to my younger self, in hopes that maybe my younger self will get it and change my life. :)

Dear 6-14 year old me,

Calm down. Sit down. Shut your trap and LISTEN.
First, you talk too much and listen too little. The universe has so much to teach you, so much to show you, and you're only intent on fitting in to a group of people that are going to forget you in a few years.
You're 6 years old, and your world just turned upside down. You just moved far away from the only home you've ever known to a knew world that seems to get about 3 feet of snow every year, and you've got a whole new crowd of people in your face that you feel like you need to impress. You're confused, you're worried, and you have no idea why you moved except that "God told mom." Your mom just moved up here and started dating a guy, and then married him before you had a chance to realize that you were going to get a dad that had no clue what he was doing. Yes, they both love you, but please remember that the world does not revolve around you, and sometimes they have to be tough on you. I know you've been taught all your life to fear men and to not trust anyone, but put your faith in this man. Although he has a lot of faults, he only has the best in mind for you. You need to pull up your big girl panties and be brave. But don't forget to go hide behind your mom. She still needs you, and no matter how enamored and in love she is, you are still, and always will be, mommy's little girl. Cherish these special moments with your mom. In a few years, she's going to be so busy that you won't be able to take a nap with her, or go sleep with her at night. In a few years, you're going to be interrupted by little voices, and you'll have to learn to follow her around to keep her attention. Learn all you can from her. Soak up her time tell her how much you love her. That little boy next door needs a friend. Not many kids at church like him. Be kind to him...and don't get him in trouble for anything. In a few years, you're going to cry because you never stood up for him when you needed to.
In the next few years, you're going to discover that you're different. You're a thinker, and that is a good thing. Don't stop thinking just because you're taught by the leaders to never question your parents or the way you believe. It's good and right to question and think, and if you keep thinking, you might end up being in a better place than you are today. And that's good. You're musically talented. Don't be afraid to join the other youth when they sing. It will be good for you in the future. Learn bass clef when you sing bass so that you can sing the right notes. And ignore people when they laugh at you for singing bass. There's nothing demeaning in it-God made you with a low voice.
You're also going to discover that the girls can be mean. Everything is competition, and not everyone is going to like you. THAT IS A-OK. Don't worry about who likes you. Please, I'm on my knees begging you, don't try to fit in. You will cause yourself a lot of heartache. You're loyal to a fault, and that is a good thing. Be loyal. But remember, that sometimes, that loyalty is going to get you hurt, and you have to learn when to let go. That girl that criticizes you for your dresses or what chapstick you use, is hurting and lonely. Make her feel welcome and loved, she needs it and you'll save a lot of people a lot of hurt. Ignore her hurtful comments to you, but make sure you are her friend.
Don't join in on gossip that you hear. You're going to hurt a lot of people.
You're 9, and you just got in trouble several times for hanging out with the boys and playing games with them. Ignore those people. They are stuffy and stuck up and trying to whitewash their tombs to make themselves feel more worthy. You make friends with who you like- boys are more practical, and they mean what they say. There is no maze-navigating, no pecking-order, and best of all, they don't play with dolls or expect you to love those slobbery, stinky, screaming babies that all other girls seem to love and want. Don't feel pressured to want a family or be a missionary when you grow up.
Males are not dominant creatures, no matter what your culture tells you. You are just as smart and just as fit to lead as any other guy out there. You have a brain. And you have gut reactions. Follow those gut reactions. Dream about dances and proms and some guy loving you so much that he will change his life just so he can be with you. Its going to happen, and don't let anyone tell you its wrong. Love is right, and every girl dreams about it.
You're 11, and you're life is turning upside down again. You and you're 5 siblings are getting ready to move into a 32 foot travel trailer with your parents and travel for work. When you're cleaning out your house, don't take that little boy up to see the attic, even if he begs you. You're going to hurt for years from now from the results...you respected that woman and she accused you of something you didn't know existed. You're going to move all over the place. Back to North Carolina, Texas for two months, Georgia for two weeks, and then back to North Carolina.
Don't be so insecure. You're a gorgeous young lady, and although puberty is being cruel to your hormones, don't let your mom get the worst of it. Or at least let her know that you will both get out of 14 alive. Remember your best friends from Michigan? Most of them have forgotten you. Don't cling to the past, its not that good anyways. And you've left everything behind for the better. But also, don't be afraid to look back. When things change about your parent's beliefs, follow their lead. Start thinking again. Please, please, think! Explore, question, wonder, be fearless. Don't be afraid to be different. Everyone where you are is going to be afraid of you being different, and they are going to be a little mean to you because of it. Don't let them get you down.
Take the flute lessons your mom offers you. They will pay off in the future. Seriously. You're going to love it, and it will open so many doors for you. Pay more attention during Spanish and music classes...you're going to wish, in a few years, that you had taken more notes, you had paid more attention.
When you are 13, you're going to move up to your grandparents place in MI. I don't think I can tell you what to change here. Because I don't remember much of it. You're going to hate it. You're going to have 1 friend, that you don't get to see very much. Your grandparents are going to fight. You're going to be told every day that something is wrong with you. Rollerblading, sleeping, and school are going to be your main pastimes. You're going to be so good at rollerblading. Enjoy it. You won't get to 'blade again for years. You're going to go into depression, which is why you won't be able to remember anything. One thing I can tell you to change though. Don't cut. Anywhere. Don't try to kill yourself. Don't go looking for drugs...don't sit on the counter and consider OD'ing with benadryl. Cause in a few months it'll all be over, and you'll be so much happier. Relax. You're going to gain weight...you'll weight 128-132. Its the depression. But I can tell you a few good things- You have a friend that is going to end up being a lifelong friend. You're going to get your first pair of Vietnam Jungle combat boots...and you're going to wear them out with love. And...you're going to discover you love playing flute. Even if your grandfather tells you you're horrible at it. Just keep going. You'll be glad you did, and you are really a lot better than he says.
At 14, you will move to SC. That is going to be one of the best times of your life. You'll be there for almost a year and a half. You will make 3 very good friends- Jewel, Gloria, and Jean. You're going to go horseback riding and discover that you have a connection with horses that you don't understand. You can read their minds. You understand their thoughts and feelings. Don't let that scare you. Realize you have a purpose and let it happen. You're going to learn so much while you're down there. You are going to realize what real friendship is. You're going to keep a lot of secrets. You're going to have a crush on 3 boys at once, which can get a little confusing. You're also going to discover that you're more in shape. You're going to try to find your dad on facebook. Don't do that. Its stupid, and he's looking for you anyway. He'll find you in a few months. You're going to start feeling like you can finally put down roots...
And then you're going to move again. You're going to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life in Greensboro NC. You're going to fall in love with someone you shouldn't- someone you shouldn't be able to. He's a perv, stay away. Trust your mom. Stay away from him. Don't get upset when you find out you have asthma. There are ways to help. At 15, you're going to join a homeschool band. Love it. Live it. Make friends. But realize they are just people as well, and they will forget you eventually.
The last few months of being 15, you're going to go to drivers ed. Don't fall in love with the adorable, cute, athletic boy you sit beside. He's going to cheat on you. He's going to hurt you so bad. You think you love him. You do. You are going to fall head over heels in love with him. Don't. Don't let it get that far. You are going to lose part of your heart to him, and you will always hurt from the pain of being dumped for someone better than you. A month after you are 16, he's going to dump you. You will get over him in a week. But you will never get over the pain of losing your first love.
That cute boy on the bus that watches you like you're a greek goddess...is your new love. He is everything you ever want. I can't tell you to change anything. Because its all gonna work out. Just make sure that you fall in love with him. Because he will do anything to make you happy. He's going to be your first dance, you're first kiss, you're first real date, the first guy that respects you and looks up to you. The first guy that realizes that you are more than just a body, more than just a woman meant to serve him. He's gonna treat you right. Worship him.
Your new school is going to be perfect. But don't try to be friends with the girl that tries to steal your boyfriend. Continue looking for the best in people, but don't expect to find it. Treat everyone like they are royalty. Yes, people will walk all over you, but the right people are going to love you and you're going to get a lot of real friends who stick up for you. The band is going to be a dream come true. In a matter of months, you will learn to play trumpet, Alto Sax, Bassoon, and a little of bass drum, cymbals, and trombone. You're going to have a tight group of friends...6, exactly. You're going to be very close. Don't lose them. They are everything you want. You're going to meet your dad. Its not going to be everything you thought, and you're not going to be perfectly happy. But he's your dad. Love him.
I must say, I am proud of your 16 and 17 year old self. You started thinking again. You have made a stand for what you believe in. You have made a pledge to be more accepting, more loving, and you are willing to weed out the bad things in your life.
Dye your hair all you want, but for god's sake, don't dye just that side of your head. And don't listen to what shades others want you to dye it. Please yourself. Make yourself happy. Don't listen to others' style or fashion. Be yourself. I'm proud of the fact that you are happy with your weight, your looks, and your style. Don't ever lose that. Love your boyfriend with all your heart. You've changed his life...and you can trust him.

Most of all. Never. Ever. Ever. Give up...you are loved.
Sincerely, current me.

Ps. Use words, not violence.
PPs. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you aren't worth it.
ppps. Don't forget to tell people you love them. You might save someone's life.

This post is going to be a little weird, so if you don't believe in the supernatural, or even if you do but you believe that its wrong, you might not want to read this post. No, I'm not in league with the devil, nor do I want to be, but weird things happen to me that I can't explain. I've asked questions, I've researched, and every thing points to me having a few psychic powers. I've had people tell me I am psychic, too. And I have predicted things that happen.
Its quite freaky, actually. I don't know if I like this or not.
My boyfriend has similar...'powers,' I guess?...and has often read my mind or will call me in the middle of the night "to wake me up from my nightmare" when I really have been having a terrible dream. This doesn't happen often, but when it has I've either been crying in sleep or torn all the covers off my bed in my attempt to get away from whatever was chasing me.
I dream about things, and then they happen. Or I'll be able to read a person's mind, or sometimes even an animal's mind. Yes, animals have thoughts. They aren't in words like ours, but rather in pictures and feelings, rarely in colors. I know this is sounding weirder and weirder...it sounds crazy to me, too. The more I type the more I just want to stop and delete this post because I am so afraid of what will happen to me after you read this.
I'm not normally a fearful person, except when it comes to me failing or getting left alone.
People say I have a gift with animals, and that I am a rare person because people trust me even though they hardly know me. Maybe its a gift, but maybe its more than that. Maybe animals and people trust me because I can connect to them and feel what they are feeling. Maybe that's why I can sit next to a wild animal and have it totally relaxed...because I can communicate to it and tell it that I'm not going to hurt it.
Now this really sounds freaky. If you want me committed to an insane asylum, I'll understand. Sometimes I wonder if I should be committed.
Returning to my dreams. I will dream that I am having a conversation with someone, or that I have been on a piece of property, or that something happened in band. I don't know exactly when its going to happen, but it will happen eventually. And not every dream comes true, so I don't know which ones to look for and which ones to ignore.
Some people say that my 'powers' are because I am of Irish-german descent (more Irish than German) and that since the Irish had these powers that my ancestors have passed these down as well.
But its more than just dreams. Dreams I could pass off as flukes. But other things as well have me wondering. Is my musical ability really just a fluke gift? What about when I know what song is going to play next when my iPod is on shuffle? Or what the announcer is going to say next? Or even when I know the score of the football game the day before? These things don't happen all the time, so don't even think about asking me what the score of Northern/Western Alamance is this week. All I know is that we will win. By an acceptable margin. I don't mean exceptional. I mean acceptable.
And then there are the conspiracy theorists that believe that there are some kids with these powers because of something the government is doing, like we're out of some spy movie where we're going to be a part of a huge government operation in something like The Hunger Games.
I don't know what to believe.
I just want someone with reason, without bias, and someone that will believe me to tell me what in hell is going on here.

A new school year has started. And with a new school year comes so many good things. New classes with new teachers (thank God!!), new chances for better grades, better outlook on life. And most important, FOOTBALL/MARCHING BAND SEASON!!!!!!!!
I will never ever ever forget my first game. Page Northern home. Yes, we had to march with the Page band. Yes we cut our halftime show in half because of that. But it was still my first game, and it was better than I had ever imagined.
The stadium lights glaring off of my lyre. The crowd going wild while we marched. The feeling of utter ownership as we watched our team crush Page like a little bug. The hoarse throats as we marched back to the bandroom late that night.
I won't forget the second game, either. Dudley Northern home, score 36-7 in Northern's favor. Most of the band went to Tyler's house after the game for a party that lasted into the night.
Me and several of the guys walked up the road to get another friend, and then came back and had a hilarious game of ping pong. So hilarious that at one point 3 of us were laying on the table helplessly laughing at absolutely nothing.
Yes, this is the Nighthawk Marching Band, and you're jealous cause you're missing out.
We just have one question for you: What the hell is the football team doing on our field?