I don't know how to start this post. I seem to not know how to start a lot of things, lately. Maybe it's the cold seeping into my head and keeping me from being able to do...anything, really. I can't pull my grades up. I can't keep going to school. I can't remember who I am, what I'm here for, why I'm doing the things I'm doing.
I have been asking myself a lot lately, 'Who am I?' Because I really don't know. I've gone through so many extreme changes in the last 3 years that I literally don't know who I am. Lists of what I do know help-
1. My name is Rena.
2. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Christian.
3. I love music- in any form.
4. I love art.
5. I love beauty.
6. I am undoubtedly a feminist.
7. I love books.
8. I believe in not letting the crowd control you.
9. I believe in being a good person, not a bad person.
10. I am pansexual.
But what does all this really mean? Who is Rena, really? She's this girl I see walking the halls at school trying to keep her head up when everything around her is going crazy, but it seems she really loses that battle a lot.
I know who I want her to be- your best friend or your worst enemy. Hell in Heels. Bad ass in a dress. Loyal. Thoughtful. Talented. Happy. Successful. Accepting and accepted.
I want her to be that girl that exits the stage and leaves the crowd in tears, applauding. I want her to be the girl that rose from the ashes and created beauty out of it. I want her to acknowledge her depression, anxiety, ADHD, and move on. I want her to be able to fight when she needs to, but to chose her battles wisely- to be able to see past the anger and into the person. I want her to be able to keep her promises, to show others a new way of living.
But sometimes she doesn't.
Sometimes she lashes out at people who really don't deserve it. Sometimes she takes her anger and hurt and frustration out on her loving boyfriend whose last joke was the last straw when it really shouldn't have been.
She wants to forget the anger and hurt of the last year and look forward to happiness and togetherness.
But can she? I think she can- but then it comes down to her choosing to do it.
There's all these things that I want but don't know how to make happen.
Sometimes I feel lost.
But I'm beginning to realize that sometimes, being lost isn't the worst thing on earth.
Sometimes, it's the best.
Sometimes, you need to be lost in order to rediscover the beauty around you. To find the new paths for yourself, whether they be well traveled or not, whether you find a well traveled path and decide to stay on it, or to cut a new path parallel to it.
I've been learning to slow down and try to live. Learning that rushing through life is a foolish choice- let the fairytales be real for as long as possible, and when you have to let them go, it's ok to cry. But make sure you create your own fairytales- at least try. I've learned that everyone smells the roses, but you need to look beyond the roses to find the flowers that no one else sees- the little ones that hug the ground and yet smell fresh and sweet and scream joy and happiness and triumph in your face- the ones that aren't showy, but choose to be quiet. Because in the quietness, there is the loudest voice of all- silence.
I remember when I was little, the day my adoption was finalized and I was legally a [insert last name here], the judge looked at me and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I shook my head, in awe of the large man with salt and pepper hair, in a black robe who looked so kindly at me and was so happy to put a family together. I was afraid to speak to His Honor- but only because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. He just chuckled and said that silence was golden.
I didn't understand at the time how far that statement reaches. Not only to the quieting clamor of kids as the night wears on, but to the city, the loud rushing that we humans do constantly. Constant noise- even this computer, as I sit here and write, makes noise {the whirring of the fans, the clicking of my keys, the shish of the mousepad when I drag my fingers across it}.
It's not until there is true silence that you can appreciate it. And that is a rare thing. And now I understand. From going to school in the morning, to going to work in the evening, to coming home to noisy kids, the amount of silence I get is minute compared to what I got 3 years ago.
But I digress. I was speaking of who I wanted to be. Who I don't know I am.
How do I find myself?
I know I'm supposed to...but how do I look when I don't know what I am looking for?
People come to me for advice and I give it to them and I don't know where it came from.
Is that who I am? A counselor?
People older than me come to me for advice on sex and I help them. Am I the next sex ed teacher? Good lord, I hope not.
People ask me to critique their musical auditions before the big day. Am I a musician? I would love to have that title, but am I that good yet?
People tell me I'm pretty. Am I a beauty queen? I don't think so. It's not who I want to be.
Then who am I? Why can I not figure it out? I'm almost 20- closer to 20 than 15. Aren't I supposed to have figured this out by now?
Or maybe that's the glorious beauty of life- you are always searching, always looking, always deciding.
Do I fit in a box? I don't think I do- I know I don't as far as religion goes. But what about other things? Do I git in a box as far as political views, emotional views, even feministic views? I don't know. Maybe. But if I can understand both sides of an argument, then how can I choose a side? Am I required to choose a side?
How can I write things that I don't understand? And yet they flow out of me unbidden. Perhaps it is the intense desire in me to know who I am, to know life, that I write. That I continue to search.
Do I like makeup? DO I like heels?
Or am I the girl that will forever walk around in sneakers because- comfort?
Will I always struggle and fail to be funny?
What is my personality? Will I continue to be a fighter, or will I eventually become a lover? Or will I find a balance between the two?
Am I destined for greatness, or will I be a quiet, unsure nobody who remains in the shadows forever? Will I stand up for what I believe in? Or will I set up the chairs at the meetings for those that believe as I do, and sit quietly in the back and let others speak my mind for me?
Will I let government institutions run my life, or will I continue to rage against all things institutional?
Who do I want to be? Will I change that?
I'm not afraid of much- not losing friends to stay true to myself, I'm not afraid of losing anything if it means staying true to myself.
But I am afraid of forgetting. Forgetting who I want to be, forgetting to fight, forgetting to love, forgetting to look past the loudness and the crazy to the quiet and the peaceful.
I will probably always search. And if I ever find the true Rena, I'll let you know.
I hope I do.
But at the same time, I hope she stays lost forever. Not only because I am afraid to stop looking, to be found, but because I need to remember to see the beauty in everything, everywhere.
