Looking at you now makes me smile, hurt, and want to cry all at the same time. Just look at you! You're so brave, so innocent, so naive- one sweet 16 bundle that is about to go through the worst, and the best, 3 years of your life so far. Those doors look so big right now. You feel so small, with you back pack weighted down by every possible school supply mom could think of. She waved you away on your first day.
Oh mom, I do love you so much.
You're going to meet the love of your life, your soul mate, on this bus. Don't hold back. Give him everything you've got. Love him, cherish him, worship the ground he walks on. Maybe this time around he'll love you better than he loved me.
Throughout your 3 years in high school, you are going to meet some of your best friends and your worst enemies, and some will be disguised as the opposite of what they are.
You're going to be ripped to shreds many times before your school career is over. Friends will stab you in the back. Love will turn sour. But remember, those who stay beside you throughout your worst days are the ones you need to hold on to and trust.
Mr. Kimbrough and Mr. B are going to be your greatest allies throughout this war. Don't let them down. Keep fighting, keep pushing, because it's so worth it in the end.
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Be you. Live on the wild side. Enjoy being the nobody, but when you turn into the 'boss ass bitch' who wheels, deals, and forges signatures, live it up. Just don't get caught. You have the ability to talk yourself out of almost every situation, but you're going to have to pick your battles wisely. Choose when to talk, and when to take your punishment.
Marching band is going to become your other family. That's a good thing. Play every instrument they ask you. Take a walk in Mr Kimbrough's shoes and discover everything he's ever done for you. Stand up to the bullies and stand up for those who cannot fight. And when he breaks your heart...when you realize that the person you have built your life around for the last 2 1/2 years no longer loves you...be brave, little one. Your life has not ended. Go do everything he never let you do. Wear heels, wear makeup, dress up for the pretty boy down the hall, get your tattoos, shave your head...you are free.
Become the person you want to be but are so afraid of becoming. Let your inner self and you will be ok.
I am standing at the end of Senior year now, the only early graduate here. My light is about to go out in the halls and next year's freshmen won't have me to fight for them.
And you, my sweet, naive, innocent little girl.
You no longer exist.
You've changed so much in the last 3 years that your past self is gone.
I'm proud of you.
-Senior me
Ps- The doors are still big when you walk out."
Sunday, June 8, 2014
When I first pulled this page up to write a post, it was going to be about something totally different- and the next post probably will be my original idea. But seeing my last post pop up, I can't just let that hang unfinished. I need to update all of you beautiful people that stop by once in a great while to read this pitifully updated blog about what has happened in the past month. My world turned upside down and I've cracked and I don't know how long I can keep from shattering. Everything I knew, or thought I knew, has changed and it hurts more than anything I have gone through in my entire life. We're talking physical pain- did you know emotions can cause physical pain? Because I didn't until now.
My baby, the love of my life, the one that kept me from self harming and being suicidal and the one who kept me going through all of the shit the last three years have given me...he's gone. I haven't seen him in a week and it's killing me because I still drive by his house and I feel another crack in my heart slowly working its way towards the center. Once those cracks reach the center, one of two things will happen. Either I will shatter like the cymbal my friend broke this year in band, or I will have found a way to heal the cracks as they happen and by some miracle I'll manage to keep it together for another day.
After two and a half years of being more in love than I ever thought possible, two and a half years of putting up with allowing myself to be controlled, after two and a half years of whispered promises and healing words, it's over. He told me to my face that he didn't love me any more and wasn't sure he ever had- but he still wanted to be friends.
Right away, I called BS on that.
And, as usual, I was right. No, he's got a sexuality crisis happening, which I totally understand. But to lie to me, the person who had a terrible time coming out to the world and the one person who knows what it's like for him....this was unacceptable. If you had just told me this in the beginning, babe, if you had just asked me to understand and be patient with you and give you space, I would have understood. I would have given you a hug and walked away proud that you trusted me enough to tell me what you were going through.
But you fucking lied. To me. The person that has put up with your BS, has put up with being controlled to the point that I don't know who I am anymore without you because I love you so incredibly much that I was willing to wait until you matured a little bit, you lied?! I'm sorry. Now I'm saying we're over. Don't try to call me, don't try to talk to me anymore. I gave you so many second chances, so many chances to apologize for lying to me, and you had the nerve to say you weren't sorry for that.
Ok. Bye.
Truth is, I miss him. I spent the last two and a half years building my life around a relationship that I believed, with all I was, was going somewhere. I hurt a lot. I'm afraid by myself. I don't know how to be alone.
To make it worse, school is ending. So I can't enjoy a wallow of self-pity every day. But it's good for me, right? To learn to be strong again, by myself?
I am fixing this feeling. And I'm fixing it by road tripping to MI to see my childhood home and friends, and also by moving to Miami for a year and a half. I need to get out of Greensboro for awhile- I have nothing keeping me here now.
Yay adventures!
My baby, the love of my life, the one that kept me from self harming and being suicidal and the one who kept me going through all of the shit the last three years have given me...he's gone. I haven't seen him in a week and it's killing me because I still drive by his house and I feel another crack in my heart slowly working its way towards the center. Once those cracks reach the center, one of two things will happen. Either I will shatter like the cymbal my friend broke this year in band, or I will have found a way to heal the cracks as they happen and by some miracle I'll manage to keep it together for another day.
After two and a half years of being more in love than I ever thought possible, two and a half years of putting up with allowing myself to be controlled, after two and a half years of whispered promises and healing words, it's over. He told me to my face that he didn't love me any more and wasn't sure he ever had- but he still wanted to be friends.
Right away, I called BS on that.
And, as usual, I was right. No, he's got a sexuality crisis happening, which I totally understand. But to lie to me, the person who had a terrible time coming out to the world and the one person who knows what it's like for him....this was unacceptable. If you had just told me this in the beginning, babe, if you had just asked me to understand and be patient with you and give you space, I would have understood. I would have given you a hug and walked away proud that you trusted me enough to tell me what you were going through.
But you fucking lied. To me. The person that has put up with your BS, has put up with being controlled to the point that I don't know who I am anymore without you because I love you so incredibly much that I was willing to wait until you matured a little bit, you lied?! I'm sorry. Now I'm saying we're over. Don't try to call me, don't try to talk to me anymore. I gave you so many second chances, so many chances to apologize for lying to me, and you had the nerve to say you weren't sorry for that.
Ok. Bye.
Truth is, I miss him. I spent the last two and a half years building my life around a relationship that I believed, with all I was, was going somewhere. I hurt a lot. I'm afraid by myself. I don't know how to be alone.
To make it worse, school is ending. So I can't enjoy a wallow of self-pity every day. But it's good for me, right? To learn to be strong again, by myself?
I am fixing this feeling. And I'm fixing it by road tripping to MI to see my childhood home and friends, and also by moving to Miami for a year and a half. I need to get out of Greensboro for awhile- I have nothing keeping me here now.
Yay adventures!
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