It's tradition with a lot of people to write something deep either on December 31, or January 1, to represent how they are reflecting on the past year and the new one.
Well, now it's my turn.
The past year has been heartbreaking, uplifting, painful, and healing. From one of my best friends dying, and others that I knew passing on as well- some in very painful ways- to me going through therapy and coming out a better person on the other end of it, to realizing that I hold the keys to my destiny, whatever I want to make it, this year has been one I will never regret, but will always look back on with a bittersweet nostalgia.
In January, I cut my hair. Shaved most of it off, actually. It was right after Miley Cyrus did her hair shave, and yes, she was my inspiration. I loved her courage to put herself out there and do what she wanted, so I did something similar. All but the top was shaved, and I left that at about an inch. I didn't dye it weird (unless a bright electric blue is weird), but I loved getting up in the morning and running my hands through my hair and that was it.
In February, my hair was longer and I flipped it. And now that I'm trying to think about it, I don't think much else happened in February. The marching band had the MLK parade...that's about it. Febs was a pretty dull month for me.
In March, the school band went to competition and we came back with straight superiors. Fives in everything. We were ecstatic, cheering and yelling on the way home. I was getting really depressed, but wasn't talking to anyone yet.
April. Probably the worst month of the year for me. My friend, Lauren Nesbitt, died in her sleep one night. She was only 19, and her death was so unexpected. She had Epilepsy, but she rarely had seizures, as she was outgrowing them. This one was, of course, unexpected and shocking- and when she was found the next morning, having smothered to death during her seizure. I miss her everyday- not a day goes by that I don't think about her. It was weird not getting a text from her over Christmas, or getting a call from her early this morning that began with her yelling "HAPPY NEW YEAR" in my ear.
May was my boyfriend's birthday. We celebrated by hanging out together at the mall and I bought him everything he liked, until I ran out of money. It was the beginning of something new for us- I went away on Spring Break and he went to Illinois for awhile. We were apart for a long time, and I missed him a lot. When he came home, the only place I could go without him either holding my hand or putting his arm around me or cuddling me ferociously, was the bathroom. And the same went for him. I even went so far as to refuse him the bathroom for 10 minutes because I wanted to hug him just a little while longer.
Things had changed in him, and it was good. He came back ready to move ahead with our relationship and we started planning a more concrete future together, one that was not just dreams and hopes, but what was practical and affordable-ish for our near future. Come September or October, we will most likely be living on our own together and he will be working at Metlife. I am so proud of him.
June, we graduated our Sophomore and Junior years. Summer break was a much needed thing. I was still in therapy and things were going well. A group of us, Christian, me, His sister Sam, and her boyfriend and my best friend, Bj, and Sam's best friend Sabrina, started getting together to play games, hang out, and start playing DnD. We did that through August, when I turned 18 and started my last band camp...most likely ever.
Late in August, School started again, both me and Christian's senior years, thank's to the school letting me skip my Junior year. Marching band went to every game, away or home, and we watched our Nighthawks power towards a 4th Championship.
September was the month I got a job. I love my job. Everyone is telling me to quit, to focus on school, but this job is what keeps me going, why I am sticking through school. I have something to look forward to after school.
October marked 2 years for me and Christian, as well as our last Homecoming dance in high school. We went to eat at my restaurant, and I let the waitresses fuss over my dress and jewelry, especially my coworker Cara, because she has always taken care of me at work and I love her.
November was a pretty boring month, with really nothing besides work and school happening. I went to South Carolina for my fall break, and I had an amazing visit. I was welcomed back like family, and seeing my best friends again was like going home.
December was a hard month. Old feelings were resurfacing. Two people who I once loved began a new chapter of their lives, one that left me feeling nostalgic and wishing, for some reason that I could not understand, that it was me.
And the New Year has arrived, and with it a dark night in which I contemplate the things I could do differently this year, the things I regret from last year, and what I want in my life. Something left me with a hole in my heart and I want it back. Nothing will be right until then.
But right now, my resolutions for this year are to keep my head and my heels high.
