I had an amazing day yesterday. But at the end of the day, I got a look in the mirror, a kick in the gut. Ouch.
It's amazing how long it can take us to admit we did something wrong. Its taken me a long time- too long.
I saw people today that I haven't seen in years- and instead of the judging I was expecting, there was total acceptance and love. Now I'm beginning to wonder how much hurt I actually inflicted on myself, and how much I hurt others.
And maybe, no one ever did judge me.
Maybe, just maybe, I was so afraid of being judged, that I judged myself and myself up to impossible standards....and then blamed others when I fell on my face.
I mean, that's the easiest thing to do, right? Blame others?
Going back taught me a lesson. It was a bittersweet lesson. I was ashamed of myself for being so angry and bitter at such loving people. They only always loved me- why didn't I see that? Was I that wrapped up in myself- was I the only person I cared about, the only person I saw?
Today, I was loved. I was hugged, and teased affectionately, and conversed with childhood friends with a freedom I haven't had in a long time.
These people know me- knew me- and want to keep me in their lives.
While I got stomach cramps from laughing with my bestest friend from 11 years ago, I was simultaneously feeling like crying. Had I hurt her with my anger? Did I shut her out like I did everyone else?

And yet, she still sat with me on the bed and sand songs with me while I tried to figure out tenor. She gladly hopped up and grabbed me water and more brownies while I told them stories about the world I live in.


Its raining on the way home.

I feel like its washing away the last bit of my bitterness, my anger, with its gentle whispers of freedom.